Attack of the Nipples

A few days ago I went to a department store to buy bottles. In the baby section I found a whole aisle dedicated to bottles and nipples. At first glance I was a bit intimidated by the large variety. However, I figured I’m a reasonably intelligent person. I’ll be able to figure it out. So I started to read the packaging.

There were nipples with slow flow, medium flow, or fast flow. There were nipples that were for suckle or to suck (I don’t even know what that means). You could have a nipple made out of silicone. Is that good? There were wide neck or narrow neck. Some even highlighted an Y-cut nipple. Apparently, this is something you would want to highlight. You could get a nipple with two holes or three. I stood dazed and confused. I could feel the stress rising. I imagined arriving at the orphanage with the wrong nipple. All the other parents laughing at my error. The nanny’s scowl as they took K away from me. Obviously I couldn't be a good parent. I can’t even pick out the correct nipple.

Then I thought I know I’ll call a co-worker who has a young child. She’ll be able to coach me. Then I thought through that scenario a bit more. I’m in Human Resources and I wanted to call a coworker to ask what kind of nipple they liked. How would that look to a bystander. Off I went into another daydream. I’m with my supervisor, Mr. H. The conversation is:
Mr. H.: "Kateri a complaint has been filed against you for discrimination. Did you discriminate by only asking female employees about nipples?"
Me:"No-no Mr. H don’t be silly. I ask all my coworkers about their nipples. Regardless if they’re male or female."

No, I decided not to call my co-worker.

At this point a friendly employee of the department store came over and asked if she could help me. I really must have looked out of sorts. How often does that happen? Anyway I told her I was trying to figure out which nipple and bottle to get for my son. Here’s a snapshot of that conversation.

Sales Associate: "How old is your son?"
Me: "Just turned 12 months."
Sales Associate: "When did he stop breast feeding?"
Me: "I don’t know."
Sales Associate: "Does he have any teeth?"
Me: "Four that I can see but I’m not sure how many total."
Sales Associate: "Does he have cereal in his formula."
Me: "I don’t know."
Her voice starts to become a bit strained.
Sales Associate: "Is he eating any solid food?"
Me: "I don’t know."
May I point out the strangeness of this conversation is still lost to me because I’m obsessing about those darn nipples.
Sales Associate says, looking a bit confused and worried, "You don’t know if your son is eating solid food?"
Well hit me over the head with a shovel, I got it. At this point it sinks in how bizarre this conversation must sound to this girl. She’s probably one step away from calling security. I explained my situation and we laughed. She then walked away.

There I was left in the same situation and no better off. Other than my picture may be posted in that stores back room. So I did what I think any reasonable person would do. I bought one of each. At the orphanage, if any parent say’s anything to me about it. I’ll simple reply with, "You didn’t buy a variety" with a crinkled nose. If the nanny’s say anything, I’ll reply, "All the more nipples to donate to the orphanage."

Who knew nipples would be so stressful?!