Mission

A few weeks ago our church held a service where people who had recently been on mission trips shared their experience. They all shared these very moving stories. They either made you laugh or cry. They all had been changed in some way. Most shared how the experience had inspired them to do more. One person talked about starting a lunch program at a school. The students who were fortunate enough to go to school did so without adequate nourishment. It’s very hard to learn when you’re hungry. I’ve been to these types of meetings before. When Rick and I went to Ethiopia we expected to see poverty beyond our wildest dreams. I went with the expectation God would place on my heart a mission related to Ethiopia.

Throughout our trip I kept looking around every corner for what God was going to call me to do. We saw a lot of different needs but none I felt God was placing in my heart. When we came home I figured I was wrong, God wasn’t going to give me a mission in Ethiopia.

The first four weeks home were difficult. They were very difficult. My children grieved the loss of their birth family and their place of birth. This was expressed by pushing me away, literally. I was the one home with them all day. There were nightmares and temper tantrums. I’ve been pinched and choked. There has be blatant disobedience to my direction. Complete avoidance to eye contact with mommy. When Dad would come home he was the fun one.

This all was a breeding ground for a "perfect storm." Most new parents are a bit unsure of themselves and I am no different. So as my son pushed me away and turned to Daddy I thought, "I suck at this." My husband and I were starting to fight. I wasn’t bonded to these two beautiful little boys. That took me by surprise. I had been warned that was a natural response for some but I thought, "O’ that won’t happen to me." I was snapping at the children and my husband. It was like God was shinning a flashlight onto my heart and I did not like what I saw.

An example, T needed "lots" of coaxing to eat his meals. One day I left the room to get something. When I came back T said with great excitement said, "Look Mommy I finished." My first thought was no he didn’t. He must have hidden the food. I looked around. As I did T’s excitement slowly left his face. He became confused as to why Mommy wasn’t happy. Wasn’t this what I wanted? Then slowly I began to realize he did eat his meal. I was wrong and had missed an opportunity to celebrate with my son. I realized I needed an attitude adjustment.

Later when I was alone I realized I was totally screwing this up. Prior to receiving the referral I had prepared mentally. Reading up on all sorts of adoption related issues. I had prepared physically. I had lost weight and started working out. However, I had not prepared to be spiritually ready to become a parent. I ended up crying out to God for forgiveness and asked for help. Then I thought about their birth mother. Would I not want to look her straight in the eye years from now knowing I had tried my best? None of our children are ours. God has given us all our children for a short time. I just have a face to look at, to think of when I hold myself accountable. I remember her saying her greatest hope for the boys’ future was for them to always be in communication with God through prayer. Then I realized God did give me a mission in Ethiopia.

Two days later I received in the mail some books discussing Christian parenting. The sender was apologetic for the timing. I giggled and knew it was Gods perfect timing.

Where are we today? No tantrums, no pinching, no pushing away and the obedience to direction is doing much better. They are not avoiding eye contact. I'm the one they want to share their joys and sorrows with. My sons and I are well bonded. I am very pleased with where we are in this journey. With an adjusted attitude I am preparing myself spiritually for the mission I received in Ethiopia. Better late than never.