We have our referral

We received our referral on Tuesday. It was totally unexpected. On the last conference call the agency had told us the wait for referrals would take 12 months. Families who were requesting siblings with one child being an infant should expect to wait 12 months. After I threw myself a mental meltdown I settled into accepting it just wasn't going to happen until October. On May 21 I e-mailed my social worker asking her to check out our paperwork to see if we needed to redo any that was going to expire. Then we heard the government was thinking of changing the age requirement for parents. Well, that sent me into a tail spin again. Just read May 22 post. After I wrote that post I read "Our Daily Bread." The scripture was, "Do not worry." Matthew 6:25
I thought good word and there's nothing I can do anyway. Off I went to work. My social worker called. I had a manager in my office and an applicant filling out some paperwork before I was scheduled to give her an interview. My SW asked, "Can you talk?" I told her I couldn't. She asked, "Can you go somewhere to talk?" I thought she was calling about our paperwork. I said I'm just about to do an interview can I call you back? She then said, "You have your referral." When I tell you I didn't expect it I didn't. It was not sinking in. I think I said "what." She said it again. Then I kept saying you're kidding. Then I realized that would be cruel and she's not cruel. By this point I was crying and my SW was crying. The manager had a look of concern so I tried to smile and give her the thumbs up sign to indicate its good tears. After a few more sentences she realized what was going on and she started crying. Boy I really appreciated they were crying with me.

We have two boys. T and K (I can't post any identifing information until they are legally ours). They are brothers. T was born 11/25/04 & K was born 7/12/06. K is 27.9" and weighs 19.8 lbs. T is 36.6" and weighs 24.6 lbs. We have pictures and they are beautiful. I don't think we can post them yet.

T is long and thin. The first thing I noticed about T was how he was trying to help his brother. He has his arm around his neck and is guiding his chin up with his finger for the picture. In both pictures T is smiling. That fact is totally amazing me. Talk about resilience.

K is chunky. In one of his pictures its like he's begging me to kiss him. In both pictures he appears a bit stressed. I can't wait to see him smile. He has cute chubby cheeks.

We need to wait for one additional test results before we can officially accept the referral. After that it will take anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months to travel. The average is 8 weeks. We'll receive the travel date about two weeks prior.

Please pray for our sons and their families (both here and in Ethiopia).

Kisses In The Wind

I hold you in my heart
and touch you in my dreams
You are here each day with me
at least that's how it seems
I know you wonder where we are....
what's taking so long.
But remember child, I love you
so and God will keep your strong
Now go outside and feel the breeze
and let it touch your skin....
Because tonight, just as always,
I blow you kisses in the wind.
May God hold you in his hand
until I can be with you.
I promise you, my darling,
I'm doing all that I can do
Very soon, you'll have a family
for real, not just pretend.
But for tonight, just as always
I blow you kisses in the wind
May God wrap you in his arms
and hold you very tight.
And let the angels bring the kisses
that I send to you each night
~unknown author~

A Job kind of day

Remember the story of Job in the bible. God allows Satan to test Job. All sorts of trouble and suffering is sent his way as God and Satan watch. Believe me I in no way think I have the same piety as Job but I sure do relate to him.

There was one other time I related to Job. I was in the hospital with a herniated disk. That was the most physical pain I've ever felt. Lately I'm feeling a lot of emotional pain. We received our monthly update from our agency yesterday. In it they mention the government of Ethiopia is considering imposing stricter age requirements for adoptive families. The agency will try to get families already in the process grandfathered in. They also recommend we double apply to other countries. This isn't good news for us because we've been disqualified from a few countries as a result of age requirements. This sucks or as Job said in 6:11,

"What strength do I have, that I should still hope?"

I want to go back to bed pull the covers over my head and pretend it doesn't exist. Instead I'll try to continue to trust or as Job said in 42:2

"I know that you can do all things;

no plan of yours can be thwarted."

This is where I worry whether or not its God's plan for us to adopt. I'm so ready for this to be over with.

Quieted Heart

"In quiet whispers of my heart
A gentle voice longs to be heard
Above my loud and anxious thoughts
A soothing tone, a tender word.

It's always there, yet I can't hear
A single work that's spoken there
Until my weary cries give way
To a ready, open list'ning ear.

And then I hear Him softly say,
'Why do you struggle on your own?
When will you learn to trust in Me
Instead of suffering all alone?

Trust in Me with all your heart
You needn't understand.
I'll clear the way as we go
Just hold on to My guiding hand.'

So with each feeble step I take
My trusted Friend leads me along,
And though the way is paved with tears,
When I am weak, then He is strong."

Written by Beth Caldwell

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Written by God

Jeremiah 29:11

Update

Sanity is overrated

"Experience is a brutal teacher. But by God, you learn."

C.S. Lewis

The adoption process has taught me many things. Some day I’ll share but not today. Today I am cranky and blue. Please don’t try to encourage me with look at the big picture, once you see those children…blah blah blah, be warned if you do I may head butt you. Today I believe adoption makes sane people go insane.

Since we’ve started this whole process I’ve tried to let our experience be very transparent. For a few reasons but mostly so that people will know we are a resource to help others. Yes we are willing to help anyone through infertility or adoption. In the process I’m sure some think we’re nuts.

We’ve been in a foster care program, domestic adoption program, looked at embryo adoption and now Ethiopia adoption. Each program seemingly starts with the man behind the curtain sharing only enough to make you interested. Then once you’re in then you hear and learn more facts that may have effected your ultimate decision. Not for nothing but then you feel a bit cheated, screwed with or deceived. Some of it is just the learning process and some is the natural program process. Many of us who are adopting have already had our hearts ripped out through infertility. We try to stay hopeful but real or imagined delays evoke the fears of will my dreams be crushed again. I feel like a race dog chancing that freaken rabbit that just keeps moving away from me.

When we started in the Ethiopia program we were told referral time for infants was 3-5 months. Then in June it went to 5-8 months, then in September 8-10 months and now we’re being told 12 months. As you know Rick and I are waiting for siblings with one or both being infants or one under four. We are excited to be able to adopt siblings. We have been told the average wait for siblings are 1-6 months. The social workers at the agency warn don’t get to attached to a time frame. This seems to be equivalent to don’t breath. The words AVERAGE in the wait time for a sibling is freaking me out a bit. I see families only waiting days for older siblings. Well if you average that in to families waiting for siblings with one infant like us what does that mean we’ll need to wait twice as long? It seems to me they would be able to give the families who are waiting for siblings with one being an infant a separate referral estimate. Telling me 1-6 months before I’m apart of the bi-weekly calls or the monthly newsletter where I can see for myself what the trend is pisses me off. I want to yell LIER. I can see now because we’re asking for one child to be an infant we’re probably looking at the same wait time as infants. That would place us receiving a referral in October. I’ve fought this realization and continue to hold hope for earlier.

The other thing that is making me blue is the lack of infant referrals in our agency. We’re being told our agency takes what the government gives them and they have no control. Programs go through cycles and a few months ago families that wanted toddlers were frustrated because they didn’t see any toddler referrals only infant referrals. Why do we see other agencies with infant referrals? There were only 5 agencies authorized for Ethiopia and know there are many so less children for each agency.

My sister was teasing me she thinks I’m making the whole thing up. Its true I feel like I’m looking insane. I tell people one month I think we’ll get the referral in April and then only a few weeks later its more like –good grief I don’t even want to say it.

Lastly, we were told more children are being referred with one or two living parents. I thought Ethiopia only allowed orphans to be adopted. Lesson, don’t believe everything you read on the Internet. Unfortunately, many families can’t financially afford to feed all of their children and they make adoption plans for a couple of their children. I wasn’t prepared for that on the call. Needless to say at the end of the call I wanted to go into fetal position and have myself a good cry.

Brady Graduated

Last night Brady graduated Beginners Obedience Training. He made us so proud. As we drove to his final exam we encouraged Brady by telling him no matter if he passed or not we were already proud of him. This was no stretch of truth let me tell you. After reading Marley and Me, by John Grogan we didn’t have very high expectations for our son. The old aim low and your chances of being pleased increase theory. Also up to a couple of months ago we had an unruly 65 pound hairy Dracula dog.

There has been a big difference between when Brady started his obedience training to now. At first it was all play and he thought he was the Alpha dog. I guess he was. Last night as Rick was bringing him through his routine Brady kept looking up at Rick for guidance. Brady knew he was working. Gone was the playful puppy that thinks we’re his play toys. Last night I saw Brady for the dog he’ll be. Well-mannered (always looking around to see if anyone else would claim the weed he was about to eat), loyal (he never let on that we didn’t practice at all last week), and obedient (yes Brady will still do anything for food). Here’s a list of what Brady learned:
Sit= mastered, no food required
Down= okay with, can trick him into doing without food, inconsistent
Heeling= mastered with Rick, good with me-Blew away our expectations
Sit Stay= mastered, we do this every day with his food
Down Stay= Over all good but still not a sure thing
Watch Me= mastered, again he loves his food
Leave it= mastered with Rick, good with me-again blew away our expectations
Door Dashing= mastered, he’s a gentleman and lets others in and out the door first
Stand= still working on
Recall (come)= still working on but pretty good
Finish to the right= our fault we didn’t practice
Come with a long line= mastered or just dumb luck
Jump= very good

Here's Brady and Rick on their first day of class.

Brady came home to his graduation dinner, steak. He ate it like a king. That was last night.

This morning was a different story. One thing I've learned about Brady is he's much better behaved if we exhaust him. I knew I wanted to blog about his graduation so Brady and I took a walk this morning. We ran, we jumped, we ate garbage, and we ate weeds (okay it was more Brady than me but I was there too). All in an effort to get him good and tired. When we got home Brady grabbed something from under the kitchen sink. He ran into our bedroom. This is a game he loves to play. The rules are: Brady grabs something he knows he's not supposed to have. He runs like a bat out of hell through out the house making as much noise as he can so we'll try to get what ever he has out of his mouth. I don't like this game. This morning in an effort to stop this behavior I grabbed the bottle of bitter apple. I trapped Brady in our bedroom. I was giddy with excitement at the idea of stopping this game once and for all. I imagined Brady never trying this again after getting a mouthful of bitter apple. I was delighted. I was delusional. What really happened was when he saw me with the bitter apple (he's had a taste before and hates it) it charged his energy up even more. I was a bit discouraged but I had him trapped in the bedroom. There wasn't anywhere for him to go and then he did it. That dog started jumping on the bed, running over the bed and going back and forth over the bed as I tried to get him. He was lighting fast and I couldn't keep up with him. Sometimes you just know you have to win a battle and this was one for me. I planned it out in my head-jump and dive on him. He saw me coming and I hit the floor. Shake it off Wheeler I told myself. Okay next plan throw him off by making a strange sound. That did it. I got a hold of him with my weapon of choice-bitter apple in a spray bottle. He saw that coming and clenched his teeth shut so I couldn't get the nozzle into his mouth. Again I chanted my mantra- I must win this battle. I pried open his mouth and shot him with bitter apple. He accepted defeat. We're still working on the whole Alpha dog thing and where he fits into this pack or family. He is now lying next to me sleeping. I wonder if they make a bitter apple for children, I'm kidding.

One Person

Its amazing what one person can accomplish. You're invited to watch this video on Female Genital Cutting. I saw it on The Goguen Family blog. Click here.

Selam

How does an 11 year old boy see Ethiopia? Check out this video he made about his favorite place on earth. Click here.

Waiting 7 Months

How to handle the wait?

1. Get a dog like Brady. That's like having two children with A.D.H.D.
2. Eat ice cream
3. Renovate the dinning room. Bye Bye wall of mirrors.
4. Still no referral--Renovate the kitchen.
5. Install new windows throughout the house.
6. Call your social worker for no apparent reason. You'll find you can get rather crafty with devising reasons.
7. Gather all the monthly newsletters with referrals and times waited. Punch the numbers into excel to calculate the average wait time for your referral based on previous referrals. If you don't like what you see--drive yourself crazy with all the "what ifs."
8. Call your home phone several times a day to insure the line IS still working.
9. Call or e-mail program coordinators repeatedly. Secretly hoping if you're a pain in the neck they'll push you along to get you out of their hair. No laughing, how do you think I graduated High School.
10. Use bi-weekly call-ins and monthly newsletters as targets. Just focus on making it to the next target.
11. Imagine every possible scenario of who in the program is waiting for what. Compared to what children come into the orphanage and what our requirements are. All of which no one has any idea about. So you can see this is time well spent.
12. Scour all adoption message boards.
13. Brutally hunt out every blog that has anything to do with Ethiopia.
14. Compare other agency's # of referrals to yours and second guess your decision.
15. Periodically call up a few compassionate friends in your life and whine or cry or both at the same time.
16. Still no referral= Eat more ice cream.