Okay you can stop the hate mail. Here’s an update. We’re all doing great. It’s month #4 and it is all starting to feel more natural.
During the first week home while sleeping I heard something that made me get out of bed. In the dark hallway I bumped into something. As I put my hands out to touch what I bumped into I felt something strange. Slowly I began to realize it was a child. Then I realized it was T. Finally I remembered I was his Mom. This is how it was for the first few months. It all felt so unnatural. Constantly trying to retrain my mind to take hold of my new role as Mommy.
Do all mothers constantly quiz themselves with the question, "Do I love them yet?" Of course this is asked quietly because if you ever really shared it openly people would think you’re an unfit mother. There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with that question. Having this question looming around can open the door to lies dressed as truth. This hidden concern along with my clumsy parenting made me feel like we were doomed. Someone once said to me, "Darkness is the breeding ground for sin." Despite my instinct to keep this horrible question to myself I asked others who had also adopted. One person soothed, "As you have shared experiences you’ll grow to love them more each day." Then one of my best friends said, "So do not throw away you confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36
Once I opened up and shared this most embarrassing question and struggle the stronghold seemed to vanish. In the dark, the lies held power to influence my behavior. Once it was out in the open its power was extinguished. What I have learned the past few weeks is to trust my instincts. In the beginning I was trying to analyze everything and fit it into a box. Situations were either because the boys were adopted, grieving, going through a huge transition or age box. Then I’d try to apply what I’d learn from the "experts". Sometimes the Holy Spirit would tell me their advice was wrong. I squashed the Spirit like a bug because the "experts" said to do this that and so. As I stood on head knowledge the whole thing would turn quickly to crap before my eyes. One thing I learned is the experts aren’t always right but the Holy Spirit is.
I’m getting to know the boys and I’m falling in love with them more and more each day. As a result, I’m feeling more comfortable as a Mommy. It is all getting so much easier as I know them better. Its funny as I look back on the two referral pictures we first received-- those two boys seem like strangers to me now. T and K are nothing like I had imagined as I stared and memorized their pictures for the two months before meeting them. They seem to have made this transition relatively effortlessly and smoothly.
Remember Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer when his girlfriend said she thought he was cute. Rudolph was euphoric as he flew through the air with this revelation. The other day I was holding K and my mother tried to give me a kiss. K put his hand over my mouth and looked at my mother as if to say, "No, my Mommy." Then K put his lips on mine. I could have flown myself as I realized K loved me and wanted me for himself.
Today T and I took a nap together. When we woke up K and Rick joined us on the bed. T looked at me as if to say, "This stinks, I liked it better when it was just the two of us." Then Rick and K started to do belly blows on my belly. T pulled my shirt down and sharply told them to stop. Daddy asked T if he wanted Mommy for himself to which he simply replied, "Yes!" Again you could have peeled me from the ceiling I was so happy.
Hay boys, "I love you too."
In October we went pumpkin picking with out agency. There were about 20 families. We had a great time. T still talks about feeding the cows.
My three sons.
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