Why so open?

In October we went pumpkin picking with out agency. There were about 20 families. We had a great time. T still talks about feeding the cows.

My three sons.

Here's what my bathroom looks like when I get ready in the morning.

Thank you to everyone who writes comments of appreciation for my openness. It is a bit scary to be so "out there." I do this for the other folks who are adopting. If you go through the same thing it may not seem so scary to know you’re not alone or it may help to prepare for what’s to come.

Do I love them yet?

Okay you can stop the hate mail. Here’s an update. We’re all doing great. It’s month #4 and it is all starting to feel more natural.

During the first week home while sleeping I heard something that made me get out of bed. In the dark hallway I bumped into something. As I put my hands out to touch what I bumped into I felt something strange. Slowly I began to realize it was a child. Then I realized it was T. Finally I remembered I was his Mom. This is how it was for the first few months. It all felt so unnatural. Constantly trying to retrain my mind to take hold of my new role as Mommy.

Do all mothers constantly quiz themselves with the question, "Do I love them yet?" Of course this is asked quietly because if you ever really shared it openly people would think you’re an unfit mother. There is a lot of guilt and shame associated with that question. Having this question looming around can open the door to lies dressed as truth. This hidden concern along with my clumsy parenting made me feel like we were doomed. Someone once said to me, "Darkness is the breeding ground for sin." Despite my instinct to keep this horrible question to myself I asked others who had also adopted. One person soothed, "As you have shared experiences you’ll grow to love them more each day." Then one of my best friends said, "So do not throw away you confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised." Hebrews 10:35-36

Once I opened up and shared this most embarrassing question and struggle the stronghold seemed to vanish. In the dark, the lies held power to influence my behavior. Once it was out in the open its power was extinguished. What I have learned the past few weeks is to trust my instincts. In the beginning I was trying to analyze everything and fit it into a box. Situations were either because the boys were adopted, grieving, going through a huge transition or age box. Then I’d try to apply what I’d learn from the "experts". Sometimes the Holy Spirit would tell me their advice was wrong. I squashed the Spirit like a bug because the "experts" said to do this that and so. As I stood on head knowledge the whole thing would turn quickly to crap before my eyes. One thing I learned is the experts aren’t always right but the Holy Spirit is.

I’m getting to know the boys and I’m falling in love with them more and more each day. As a result, I’m feeling more comfortable as a Mommy. It is all getting so much easier as I know them better. Its funny as I look back on the two referral pictures we first received-- those two boys seem like strangers to me now. T and K are nothing like I had imagined as I stared and memorized their pictures for the two months before meeting them. They seem to have made this transition relatively effortlessly and smoothly.

Remember Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer when his girlfriend said she thought he was cute. Rudolph was euphoric as he flew through the air with this revelation. The other day I was holding K and my mother tried to give me a kiss. K put his hand over my mouth and looked at my mother as if to say, "No, my Mommy." Then K put his lips on mine. I could have flown myself as I realized K loved me and wanted me for himself.

Today T and I took a nap together. When we woke up K and Rick joined us on the bed. T looked at me as if to say, "This stinks, I liked it better when it was just the two of us." Then Rick and K started to do belly blows on my belly. T pulled my shirt down and sharply told them to stop. Daddy asked T if he wanted Mommy for himself to which he simply replied, "Yes!" Again you could have peeled me from the ceiling I was so happy.

Hay boys, "I love you too."

Last Day In Ethiopia

Friday was our last day in Ethiopia. We were so excited to go home. The Horizon guesthouse was great but there is no place like home. In the morning we went shopping.

Mullet was our driver and guide. I have to say we always felt safe because of the terrific staff. We had decided to take the boys with us. Mullet seemed a bit concerned about our decision but honored it. I think he was concerned it would be too much for the boys and us. Caution to the wind, we all went together.

About 10 of us climbed into the van and we headed to go shopping. Driving in Ethiopia takes special skills. The roads are narrower and you are dodging people, chickens, goats, cows and the occasional sleeping person. The exhaust is choking. I don’t think there’s much in the way of garbage removal. The garbage was everywhere. At the stoplights the beggars plead for money. Others try to sell tissue, gum or what ever. It’s really hard to resist the temptation to give money.

We arrived at this nice mall. It didn’t require haggling over prices. When we got there I put K on my back in the snugly. Rick had T. Rick needed to stop at the bank for money. Mullet offered to take care of T. Rick went into the bank and Mullet took everyone up stairs to the third floor. He tried to get me to come but I didn’t want to just leave Rick alone at the bank. What if he came out and no one was there and started to wonder only to get lost. So there I stood not listening to Mullet’s instructions. After he got everyone situated he came back down and told me to go up stairs. I explained my concern and he said he would wait for Rick. Off K and I went. Only communication with Mullet isn’t the best. He speaks very good English but I didn’t pick up all of what he said. Like where up the stairs I was suppose to go. Instead of Rick wondering around lost I was. Someone noticed my distress and pointed up to the third floor. They took a chance I belonged with the other white Americans.

On the third floor were many wonderful shops. My goal was to buy a Christmas present for the boys for each year until they reached 18. Until I saw this beautiful painting. It’s of people with their umbrella’s at Timkit. The colors are beautiful. When Rick joined me I showed him the picture and he fell in love too. That took a big chunk of the spending money we had brought. We did get other cool stuff too but not enough to make sure the boys have a present from Ethiopia for each Christmas. We’ll just have to go back!

After we were done shopping we went to a coffee shop and a bookstore. We picked up some traditional Ethiopian stories in English. While waiting for the rest of the group to finish T, K and I waited at the front of the store. At one point T called me to get my attention and pointed out the glass door. When I looked I saw a beautiful man standing there. Apparently he had been playing with T. When we left we asked him if we could take his picture. He said yes with a twinkle in his eye. His eyes were the same as our birthfather’s eyes, smiling, warm and friendly. After we took his picture we slipped him some money. This is a bit tricky because others who have already gathered around can become more aggressive. Notice the handmade shoes.

After shopping we went to an Ethiopian museum. It was very informative on their culture and history. T started to get cranky because he wanted his dad to carry him. Dad wanted T to walk because Dad was getting tired. After the museum we went back to Horizon House. There we ate lunch and put the boys down for their naps. Rick and I packed for our return trip home. We knew that once the boys woke we wouldn’t have much time to do any packing.

After the boys woke up we needed to attend the coffee ceremony, eat dinner, say our good-byes and go to the airport 3hours early. The rest in another post.

Fading but not gone...

We try to keep T & K familiar with their birth country and family. Despite our efforts it is slowly slipping away and it's very sad to witness. We show them pictures from the orphanage and birth family. T used to be able to say the names of the children at the orphanage. He no longer can.

We have pictures of their birth family in their bedroom at eye level. Every night we pray for their birth family, kiss them good night and tell them we love them. Yesterday T and I sat quietly talking about his birth mother. His love for her was obvious.

Weekly I have T look at Ethiopia videos and listen to Ethiopia music. I wasn't sure if any of this is helping until today. We went on YouTube to listen to Ethiopia music. T started to dance in Ethiopian style. This wasn't in the video so he wasn't mimicking anyone. We haven't been exposing him to Ethiopia dance. He just remembered.

Thursday In Ethiopia

Almost two months later but here we go, Thursday in Ethiopia

In the morning Rick went with a few other people to a market. It was the biggest market in Africa. I had read about it on other people’s blogs and new it was not a place to bring children. The boys and I stayed back at Horizon House. Rick said the number of people was amazing. We needed more diapers (just in case for the plane ride home) so he also stopped at the "super market." He said the super market was about as big as one of our pharmacies. However, there he also purchased some coffee from the region our children were born.

When he returned I went to T’s house to video tape the children praying prior to lunch. It is the cutest thing. One child stands in front of everyone else and leads the prayer line by line. All the children repeat after him. It’s a pretty long prayer and the little guy who did it on this day looked to be four. It was amazing he remembered it.

After prayer the nannies serve all the children their lunch. It seems most meals they received injera. Today was no different. Not sure if I’ve mentioned this before but injera was not my favorite. At one table a little girl held out her hand with some injera saying, "Miss, Miss." She was talking to me and wanted me to eat some of her injera. I thought that was really cute and without thinking went over to eat the injera. Before I knew it all the children at this table had big globs of injera saying, "Miss-Miss." As I looked at all the little hands with injera meant for my consumption I remembered the list of possible diseases the children may have. I saw all the little runny noses attached to the bodies with the injera. Yes I went around and ate the injera. Why? These children are so cute and so want to be loved.

When you enter the compound the children run to you and call you Mommy or Daddy. They attach themselves to your legs. They ask to be picked up. The slightest bit of attention seems to be so needed. How many times have they seen the other parents come to take their friends away? Do they each time hope these strangers are their parent(s)? As I looked around I knew they were someone’s children. If I could give them a few moments of happiness and love I would. It was my prayer when my sons were there that someone loved them. This was my turn to love for someone else.

Mission

A few weeks ago our church held a service where people who had recently been on mission trips shared their experience. They all shared these very moving stories. They either made you laugh or cry. They all had been changed in some way. Most shared how the experience had inspired them to do more. One person talked about starting a lunch program at a school. The students who were fortunate enough to go to school did so without adequate nourishment. It’s very hard to learn when you’re hungry. I’ve been to these types of meetings before. When Rick and I went to Ethiopia we expected to see poverty beyond our wildest dreams. I went with the expectation God would place on my heart a mission related to Ethiopia.

Throughout our trip I kept looking around every corner for what God was going to call me to do. We saw a lot of different needs but none I felt God was placing in my heart. When we came home I figured I was wrong, God wasn’t going to give me a mission in Ethiopia.

The first four weeks home were difficult. They were very difficult. My children grieved the loss of their birth family and their place of birth. This was expressed by pushing me away, literally. I was the one home with them all day. There were nightmares and temper tantrums. I’ve been pinched and choked. There has be blatant disobedience to my direction. Complete avoidance to eye contact with mommy. When Dad would come home he was the fun one.

This all was a breeding ground for a "perfect storm." Most new parents are a bit unsure of themselves and I am no different. So as my son pushed me away and turned to Daddy I thought, "I suck at this." My husband and I were starting to fight. I wasn’t bonded to these two beautiful little boys. That took me by surprise. I had been warned that was a natural response for some but I thought, "O’ that won’t happen to me." I was snapping at the children and my husband. It was like God was shinning a flashlight onto my heart and I did not like what I saw.

An example, T needed "lots" of coaxing to eat his meals. One day I left the room to get something. When I came back T said with great excitement said, "Look Mommy I finished." My first thought was no he didn’t. He must have hidden the food. I looked around. As I did T’s excitement slowly left his face. He became confused as to why Mommy wasn’t happy. Wasn’t this what I wanted? Then slowly I began to realize he did eat his meal. I was wrong and had missed an opportunity to celebrate with my son. I realized I needed an attitude adjustment.

Later when I was alone I realized I was totally screwing this up. Prior to receiving the referral I had prepared mentally. Reading up on all sorts of adoption related issues. I had prepared physically. I had lost weight and started working out. However, I had not prepared to be spiritually ready to become a parent. I ended up crying out to God for forgiveness and asked for help. Then I thought about their birth mother. Would I not want to look her straight in the eye years from now knowing I had tried my best? None of our children are ours. God has given us all our children for a short time. I just have a face to look at, to think of when I hold myself accountable. I remember her saying her greatest hope for the boys’ future was for them to always be in communication with God through prayer. Then I realized God did give me a mission in Ethiopia.

Two days later I received in the mail some books discussing Christian parenting. The sender was apologetic for the timing. I giggled and knew it was Gods perfect timing.

Where are we today? No tantrums, no pinching, no pushing away and the obedience to direction is doing much better. They are not avoiding eye contact. I'm the one they want to share their joys and sorrows with. My sons and I are well bonded. I am very pleased with where we are in this journey. With an adjusted attitude I am preparing myself spiritually for the mission I received in Ethiopia. Better late than never.

Play Time

A couple of weeks ago someone sent us these dolls. We have no idea who. Please let us know who sent them so we can thank you. The boys love to play with the dolls. One day when my Mother was over T was playing with the dolls. By the end of the visit T had named them M and Papa. By coincidence this is what they call my mother (M) and father (Papa). I can tell you M and Papa are very well taken care of. T changes their diapers, feeds them and puts them down for naps.

Around the third week home T started to play make believe on his own. After a bit I realized he was mimicking Rick and I. At first I was apprehensive to see how I was doing. After watching T I gained more confidence in my parenting ability. In T's play world he cooks, plays with the dog, changes diapers, goes down for naps, eats, drinks coffee, goes for drives, prays and takes walks. Yup this pretty much covers what I've been doing since being out of work. O ya, my new best friend is Sesame Street. This is the only TV they watch. From 10am to 11 am they watch Sesame Street, eat snacks and I get stuff done.

Week four brought the boys showing jealousy over me. At first this delighted me. I had two sons jocking to have my attention. This was short lived because it is difficult to please them both at the same time. They also starting to fight with each other. I knew T was feeling comfortable at home when he got out of bed during nap time to play.

We have introduced the boys to one of our favorite pass times, hiking. K gets strapped on to my back with a snugly. T walks with his Dad or rides on Dads shoulders. Brady runs and has a blast. On Saturday we went. T tripped over a rock, fell down, went boom, and Mom told the rock it was naughty for tripping T. That delighted T. Later we saw two horses. These frightened the boys. We told them horses were good. For the next two days, over and over we heard T say, "T went boom." "Rock naughty" "Horses are good." Did I mention this was said over and over again?